Why Being is More Important than Doing

Our behaviours and actions produce the results that we get so if we change our actions, we should get different results to a small or large degree. If we have tried multiple approaches, behaviours, and actions, and we still aren’t achieving our goals, then it’s worth considering what’s affecting our behaviours and actions, and what can we do about it.

How we are being affects our thinking, behaviours, and actions. When we change how we are being, we think different thoughts and take different actions. By taking different actions, we get different results. This model has roots in Buddhism and was made popular by Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

By default, how we are being matched with how we feel. For example, if I was driving to work, another car cut me off, and I felt angry about it, I may speak to coworkers angrily if I’m letting my feelings dictate the way that I’m being. People may think that I’m angry with them when it has nothing to do with them or they may think that I’m a jerk. They may be less cooperative with me and there could be tension in the office. When we let our feelings determine how we are being, we may get suboptimal results. This is why people often recommend to calm down first, to pause, or count to 10 before saying or doing something. It’s to give us a chance to refocus on what’s important instead of letting our upset feelings run the show. Negative emotions impair our judgement and we can lose sight of our goals.

We have the opportunity to increase our effectiveness and efficiency by choosing how we are being. We can choose a way of being that will help us with the situation and help accomplish our goals. It takes practice to develop this skill and it can be challenging because we have to interrupt our automatic reaction by catching ourselves before we speak or act. In that moment, we get to choose how we will be, regardless of how we feel. This is different from suppressing or denying our feelings. With practice, it becomes easier until it becomes an automatic habit. If this is a new practice, you may catch yourself after the situation is already done, then you will start catching yourself in the middle of taking action and change course, then you will catch yourself before you say or do anything.

The process is:

1) Acknowledge how you feel and remind yourself that you don’t have to behave based on your feelings.

2) Put your feelings to the side and focus your attention on the goals and results that you want to achieve.

3) Choose the way of being that will help you achieve those goals and results.

4) Figure out that actions, behaviours, and routines are needed to achieve those goals and results.

5) Practice being that way and taking those actions.

6) If you forget or make a mistake, get back on track by focussing on how you need to be and go from there.

If we go back to the example of driving to work and feeling angry because another driver cut me off. I would notice that I feel angry because I think that the driver did something wrong. I realize that being angry will not help me or my coworkers achieve our goals. In order to have a productive day, I could choose to be collaborative, or friendly, or a team player, etc. By practicing being that way, I will take actions and speak with a tone of voice that is consistent with the way of being that I chose.

If you take this on as a daily practice, you will become skilled at it and your effectiveness and efficiency will increase.